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ibfester's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, January 30th, 2006 | | 3:12 pm |
Today is bad. I went to class and worked out today, and I felt totally fine through the whole thing. On the walk home, crossing the south oval, i just stopped. For over a half hour, I honestly could not think of a reason to keep going. If Caleb wouldn't have stumbled upon me, I think i would probably still be standing there. I'm sick of being me. I'm fucking tired of everything. I don't want to be responsible anymore. I don't want to be reliable, I don't want to follow morals anymore, i don't want to be trustworthy. Every goal i seem to have isn't for me, it's what I want for other people, I try too hard for Them, not Me. I've always done things for others, hopeing that i might get it returned to me. I'm losing faith that people even realize how much trouble i go through. That there is a reason i don't ask for anything, I wait untill it's offered, and even then, i only accept if i think that they really want me to accept. Yeah, it takes effort. No, it's not easy. The hope that I'm delaying my happiness now, and that in the future i'll be rewarded in the future has held me over for nearly half my life. Since i was ten years old. I can't imagine anything that could make me honestly so happy that it will make all the time and effort and Shit that i've done for others worth it. In all honesty, i barely even know what happiness is. I can't see me ever being returned even a fraction of the effort that i've gone through. Why would anyone? People know that i'll keep doing things for them, even if they never make an effort towards me. How many people would bother to be my friend if i asked for the kind of effort that i put into them? Not a one of the people i know would ever want to, or even think they should. What if i put less effort into them? would they still find me usefull? I've given so much of not just money, but my time, my efforts, my resources into counseling people, doing all i can to give them a solution to their problems. As soon as I approach my thoughts, my problems, they're discarded almost instantly. Just because i'm smiling, i try to appear optomistic, i'm not crying, doesn't mean i havn't withered into a dried husk of myself under this shell. So many times have i realized all of this. So many times have i wanted to stop it, but each and everytime i can't. I don't know why, but I can't be selfish, I can't step outside of the lines which i've drawn for myself so long ago. I want to have fun, I want to be irresponsible, to be what every other guy i know is. I hate myself for imagining that i'll be rewarded for my efforts. My efforts are gladly sucked in, while i borrow hope from the future. My future is running out of hope to steal. My future is running out. I need a reason to keep bothering with this, but i'm too scared that even the best reason there is won't be reason enough. Current Mood:  depressed | | Thursday, January 5th, 2006 | | 8:20 pm |
| | Monday, December 26th, 2005 | | 4:35 pm |
Chritmas was fun. I got an ironing board from my mom. Yipee. But i got enough money to secure me through the rest of the year. Church was especcially boring for some reason, the priest did not have a very good sermon. My nephews Jay and Nick are huge. My brother is boring and cheap. I had a good time. Went to Kelly's after the family stuff, and got more presents there then I had from my own family. Miny soooooda. Starbucks. And the most crude pen holder i have ever seen. Definatly a good christmas. wierd. supress. don't fuck it up. | | Sunday, December 18th, 2005 | | 10:20 pm |
hey world. go blow it out your ass. | | Monday, December 5th, 2005 | | 9:14 pm |
bizarre. Never even saw it coming. it hurts. bad. | | Tuesday, November 29th, 2005 | | 10:53 am |
it's crunch time, end of the quarter, make or break. Gotta get this done. all of it. I can do it! hoo wah. | | Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 | | 10:48 am |
it always takes a couple of days before it hits. In the low. I'm going to go work out, see if that can make me feel better. | | Sunday, November 20th, 2005 | | 12:58 pm |
I've come to realize that I only update this thing when I'm not content. This time, i'm not content with myself. I need to be smarter, not more intelligent. I need to be able to know people, not just read them. I need to be more disciplined, not more formal. I'm so disapointed in myself that i'm dumbfounded. I honestly feel like i should just crawl into a hole some where and starve to death. I hate who I try to be, and I'm starting to become disapointed in the person I am underneath. I always mess things up. Things always build into a peak, and right at that peak is when I manage to do it. Every time. So what do i do? I run away from the problem. I need to figure out how to solve these problems, but i have no idea how to. HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOHOWHOW. I don't get many chances, i know i don't deserve many of them. I have to not blow it. I need to figure it out. Gotta take the class How Shit Works. I need to figure. I need to. I need. I. | | Tuesday, November 8th, 2005 | | 2:31 pm |
woo hoo, i'm in history, and this fool gave us acess to the computers. right now, i see 2 people on google, one playing family feud, 4 playing flash games, and one i think is drooling on his keyboard. yaa da yaa da yaa da. I can't even hear him anymore, he's just mumbling. He gave me back my paper today, almost 7 pages on it, with 3 comments, "what are the criteria" which i answered those, followed like a rubric. "Need a more direct introduction", which i can change, and i could see his point, followed by 6 pages of blank and "good" written on the back. WTF? thats why i never submitt drafts, all it is tricking you to get it done first. But worst part is my paper kinda sucks, i think he should have made more comments on it than that. grrrrrrrrrrrr Current Mood: gonna fight my mouse | | Monday, November 7th, 2005 | | 2:19 pm |
this weekend was cool. Kelly came down a day early, so i didn't do much friday as i waited for her to get here, chilled for a few hours and got tired. Saturday i skipped the game and spent it at easton not buying anything and pretty much wasting time, but i like wasting time. Saturday night we had my party, it was a slow start, but by drinking time it was rolling. i'm impressed with the show up, it turned into a great night. disapointed by the lack of showing by some of my youngstown girls, but nancy made a valiant attempt. haha. Good to see the wingmen, as well as D, Meghan, Erin, and the rest of em, finished off by my favorite. Sunday was recovery, clean, and study, so pretty boring. I did make pancakes, so thats fun. Still in limbo, but i don't mind, I have a habit of winning too. I was coughing all day today, and it felt really wierd, so finally i just forced myself to blow it all out, and i hacked out a hair all covered in phlegm. ew. gross word, phlegm. the lumps don't hurt so bad now, but the yellow V is still there, kinda wierd Current Mood:  devious | | Saturday, November 5th, 2005 | | 2:26 am |
| | Thursday, November 3rd, 2005 | | 4:30 pm |
| | Monday, October 31st, 2005 | | 10:30 pm |
I don't know what it is. I'm deflated. flat. All day it was just sad, slow, didn't seem like it was going anywhere. Even my presentation and midterm i couldn't get into. I ran into Meghan, and that was a bright spot, talked to her for 20 minutes, but had to run to english. I honestly had a hard time reading the test, i would read it and it just didn't make any sense, it took 3 trys. Got through it though, fairly well enough, and went home. i was going to read, but instead i just laid there and eventually took a nap. Woke up like 3 hours later, made dinner, and did laundry. I just feel depressed. And there is no reason. Things have been going great. Life here has been picking, other things have been progressing well, as far as i am led, to believe, and there is no bad news about my lumps yet, so thats good. It'll get better, for tommorow is a new day | | Sunday, October 30th, 2005 | | 10:32 pm |
Weekend was alright, it wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. Went out on friday, chilled with Ting and crew for a while, then went over Daniella's for a few hours. Nice place, girl doesn't eat enough, nice dog. Watched a movie as an excuse, and just talked. It was wierd though. It wasn't like before, guarded, diffrent. ehh. gotta get her out of her appt more though, she doesn't have any friends left. Saturday i basically slept till 4, after waking for a couple hours. that ruled. Went out saturday night to Ryan's, and brought the roomies. Everyone made a huge deal out of the tumors, it was kinda a buzz kill. Couldn't drink too much though, cause of the antibiotics and painkillers and all, so i had one and talked to alison for a while, and left. Random girl who i don't remember who she is knew me, apparently well. it was wierd. Left. Walking to rodges an overwhelming feeling of lonelyness hit me. I just felt empty. But i had Frankie and nick and cassie that i told i would take them places for the night, so i had to deal with it. Huge kid tried fighting a really little kid, and me and 4 other people had to hold him back. That was fun. I started getting sick from the painkillers, so i went home and left them at the party, cause it was big enough for them to find their own way. Rodge woke me up in the middle of the night stealing my beer, and spilled it all over my couch... boo. but made up for it by making a reaaaaly good steak for dinner. Went over my sisters place for dinner, and spent a good three hours there. it's wierd how i become better friends with her the less i see her. decent weekend | | Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 | | 12:40 pm |
surgery
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. so they gave me some fun knock out drugs, i always love those... i'm rolling down a corridor and all of a sudden, BAM, i wake up with bandages on the side of my neck and some stiffness. I wish i had things like that for class, walking down the hallway, and BAM, wake up, midterm over, got a B, all is good. or about to go work out, BAM, wake up and i'm ripped. sweetness. I think it's their job, but the nurses kept talking about how nice my eyes were. And one came in after i woke up, that must have been a surgery nurse, cause i don't remember her before, and told me i had a well built chest. what the hell, i'm still fat. it was random, and it means they were checking me out when i was unconscious. i bet they raped me. But anyways, the gave me vikodine and some anti nausea drug that makes me sleep, and some antibiotics. Apparently the lump they pulled out of the front of my neck was about the size of a large half dollar or golf ball. thats friggin weird. it felt like a dime. they should have results for me by friday or monday. hahahahahhaha, i'm gonna go get dizzy | | Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 | | 11:54 pm |
it's amazing how just a couple of lines can make your day seem better | | Saturday, October 22nd, 2005 | | 11:31 am |
i've been thinking about my future again, and i'm worried. Thing is, everything in my long term plans has gone exactly as i have wanted it to. I'm not talking about day to day or even month to month things, but my larger plans. I had a good time in highschool, and still managed to graduate with a GPA that I needed, I own a sweet car, which is just as much a piece of history as a vehicle. I lost the wieght I always wanted to, and i'm no longer disgusted with myself. I built up a ultra reliable network of friends, people who i can fall back on if everything fails. I have a huge number of lighter friends, people who if i need, i know i can borrow money from, or call to go out and have a good time. I have great refrences, not just from my ex-bosses, but from people of the older generation, teachers, and others of considerable standing. But i'm in college now, and i'm trying to figure out how to get the rest of my life rolling. I have high expectations, and very certain goals. I have to graduate, and get into the masters program, i don't know if i want to do that here, or some other school. Thats a recent change, i never wanted to leave here, but i find more and more that i don't have a reason to stay. I have to get a job soon after i graduate, and i want to move out of Ohio. If i can't find a job, or have someone worth sticking around for, i plan on joining the military, and if i do i'll probably stay for the full 20 years and retire out of it, but thats fairly doubtful. I want to buy a house by 30 and find some one i can dedicate my life to, have the house fully paid off by 35, at which age i want to have kids, and start saving for their college. I have to work on that fast, because i want to have their school paid for because there are too many people i know who are struggling under loans, and i don't want them to have to deal with that. When 40 rolls around, we'll have to see if i still have things that i need to accomplish, or if thats the end of the narrative. haha, i'm psychotic. what the fuck. | | Wednesday, October 19th, 2005 | | 3:24 pm |
French Midterm was wierd. I destroyed some parts, but others on the same topic i just couldn't understand. Who knows. Good day in class though, went to lunch afterwards with classmates, becoming better friends with some of em. Power was out in my house when i got back. Gaaaaaaaaay. BOO columbus power. No electricity means no technology, and i was bored, and realized i have nothing to do with out electricity, so i slept for two hours. By the time i woke up, power back on. Hells yes. Got a couple more days of work, can't wait to be done. Group presentation in history tommorow. Mixed messages. Current Mood:  curious | | Tuesday, October 18th, 2005 | | 12:47 am |
Decent day, won't complain. I'm motivated again. It's so fucking wierd. I don't even think it has to do with me, i think it's the fact that i know that people around me won't be hurt anymore. The fact that they have seen all the options, and are now prepared to make a wise decison, either way. It helps me feel more comfortable. Feeling that some one is actually gratefull for my efforts is amazing. I feel kinda bad for feeling good about it, but I'm just so happy that somthing i did actually made a difference in someone's life. French was fun today, i got the only perfect participation points, which shows how hard i've been trying, cause i really don't know whats going on in that class. i have a midterm on weds i'm not really looking forward to. ick. i'll do alright though, i'll do some studying when i get off of work. Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: Bob Dylan-Hurricane | | Monday, October 17th, 2005 | | 12:24 am |
This weekend was great. Got to go home, chill with my Dad, and do some work for him. Then Mike and i tore up a car, i love getting grease on my hands. Cleaned up and went to Kelly's, where i was felt up by her dad, but it was cool, cause he probably diagnosed what was wrong with me and why i have lumps in my neck. Sweet, free healthcare, i knew that girl was good for somthing;)Went to dinner, and went to sak's, who mike and roland and i were supposed to come visit, and we walked in on somthing quite unpleasant. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. fat chicks are great at it though, so i hear and have been threatend with. Saks pretty much sucked, but it was great to hang out with Kelly. Sunday had to go to church for my aunts 40th aniversary, kinda suprised i didn't explode into flames. The worst thing about church, is when you're in it, you're so bored,you start thinking about things that you ARN'T supposed to be thinking about in the house of God. Wow, i'm totally going to hell after some of those unchristian thoughts. haha. Went to Brunch at M. a bistro, or somthing like that, and it ruled. I ate enough to last me for the week, cause i wasn't in columbus this weekend, and i knew they wern't going to go shopping, and so of course there is no food in the fridge. Went to my aunts house and drank some beers with the family, left early, Cause things like Wallace and Gromit need to be seen. So i went to Wallace and Gromit with Miss Woznicki, and it ruled. one of the best i've seen this year, it was so cute and rediculus, i'll probably buy it on DVD. Then i came back to Cbus, and here i am. Patience |
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